


I’ll hold your hand

by Hannah2003



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Abandoment, Bram/simon - Freeform, Collage, Comfort, Crying, Cute, Depression, Fluffy, M/M, Roomates, Sad, abby/nick, random collage roomate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 23:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15254205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannah2003/pseuds/Hannah2003
Summary: Maybe they’ll be okay. Maybe Simon can survive this storm, as long as Bram is next to him, holding his hand.——I promise this ends fluffy!! I just love them so much x





	I’ll hold your hand

‘Hey Leah.. so I know we haven’t spoke in a while but I just.. need someone right now and I know it might seem like I’m using you just when I want you..Oh god am I doing that? I suppose I am now. Using you I mean. I’m such a selfish person and I’m so damn sorry but I just needed to talk to someone, anyone really and well.. your my best friend aren’t you? I hope we still are. I don’t want to loose you Leah, I’ve lost everyone else and I can’t loose you...Everything’s falling apart Leah... I don’t know what to do. What do I do? Everyone’s so far apart from me and I don’t know what to do. Please.. please help. I don’t know who else to call.. I want to call Bram but I doubt he would want to deal with a crying boyfriend. He’s got enough on his plate already hasn’t he? I suppose you probably don’t want to deal with this either and if you don’t want to then that’s fine.. I guess. You can just ignore this voice message and pretend that nothing happened, do whatever you want. I just.. I needed to tell someone you know? Rant it out? I couldn’t keep this all in my head anymore. It’s too much. Everything hurts. It hurts. I want it to stop hurting. Please make it stop hurting Leah. I’m scared.’   
The voice mail was left over 40 minutes ago, and Leah’s never heard Simon sound so scared and alone before in her life. God. She had no idea what was going on in that head of his. And honestly? She’s at a loss, she’s no idea what to do. Does she call him? Text? Drive down to see him? Call Bram? Call nick? Abby? Do they even know?   
In the end, she decides to do all of them.

To simon:

Hey si, so I’m sorry this is so late but my phone was charging and I never looked at it. I hope your okay. Please call me when you get this?  
Lots of love x  
\- L   
P.S of course your still my best friend Simon& your not a selfish person simon, god your the least selfish person I’ve ever met, I promise.

She leaves a quick voicemail next, basically saying what she said in the text. Then she calls Bram, nick and Abby. It’s just lucky that all their collages are in the same area. All three of them say they will be there as soon as possible.   
——

By the time they all arrive, Leah’s shoved on some sweat pants and a top that’s suitable for having guests round, they all crowd into her room and they all look worried sick. Especially Bram. Poor Bram. Simon’s been pushing him away recently and Bram doesn’t know what to do, but now Leah knows why Simon’s been doing it, or she’s at least got some idea of why.  
‘So.. simon left me a voice mail about 2 hours ago-‘ she starts but Bram cuts her off.  
‘Wait he’s been in contact with you?’ He asks. Leah nods.  
‘He told me his phone got broke and that he couldn’t message me because he’s using a roommates phone.. he lied?’ Bram said, running a hand through his hair and Leah nods.  
‘I guess so..’   
‘But why would he do that?’ Abby asks and they all shrug and look at one another.  
‘Simon’s not one for lying..’ nick says and we all look at him. Simon and nick have been friends since forever, even slightly longer than Leah, so nick knows when somethings up.  
‘The only time he lies is when he’s in trouble.. or hiding something..’ Nick mutters.  
‘Then he’s hiding something. He has to be.’ Abby stresses and Bram nods slightly, but he looks out of place, which everyone can understand. They’ve been dating for 2 and a half years and Bram probably knows more about simon and all of them combined, so when simon lies to Bram, it freaks him out.  
‘You don’t think he’s.. seeing anyone do you?’ Bram asks in a small voice.  
‘No! God no Bram’ Abby yells and they all look at her.   
‘He called me a few weeks ago, told me all sorts about the place he’s staying at but he’s mostly stressed about how much he’s missing you, Bram, he loves you so much. He would never do that. Not in a million years.’   
Bram nods, but he looks uncertain.  
‘Right okay then, grab your stuff’ Abby says, standing up and grabbing her backpack off the floor.   
‘Where are we going?’ Leah asks, grabbing her suitcase from the edge of the room.  
‘We’re going to simon’ 

——  
The drive takes roughly 3 1/2 hours. They try to fill the silence with songs and food stops but nothing can fill the empty void. If they were going to Simon for a different reason, then they would all be laughing and joking around right now, but instead, Leah grips the steering wheel tightly, knuckles white, Bram clutches his backpack tightly to his chest and stares out the window, while Abby sits with her head on nicks shoulder, staring into space. Nick just plugs earphones in.   
The drive is tense and quiet, until they arrive just outside the town he’s in, and suddenly Abby is sitting up talking about all the ‘pretty buildings’ and nicks saying how lucky Simon is to see all this everyday. Leah and Bram stay quiet.  
‘What’s his dorm number?’ Leah asks and they all look to Bram.  
‘23B, but he’s got a room mate, he might not want us there..’   
‘Well tough, because I’m not leaving until I know he’s okay’ Abby says and they all nod. Leah drives round the campus for awhile, trying to find a space, while everyone else expect Bram takes in the view. It’s breathtaking. The building itself is gorgeous, all high windows with stained glass, large oak doors and hundreds of roses surrounding the courtyard. It takes everyone’s breath away.  
Leah eventually finds a parking space just a few blocks down from simons block, and they all pile out. Bram nervously twists his shirt between his fingers.   
‘Hey’ Leah says, reaching forward and smoothing out the creased material.  
‘He’s gonna be fine, alright? It’s probably just one of his moods’   
When they were in high school, Simon sometimes got moods where he needed to be alone for a-bit, and they all respected that. He often spent his time in the library. On some days, the moods where so bad that he took days off school to just lie in bed, and the only person allowed to come see him was Bram.   
‘I hope so’ Bram mutters. They all start walking to Simons building, but keep getting stopped by randomers, some asking who they are and others saying they seem vaguely familiar. When they eventually get to simons block, they find they have to be buzzed up. But when they press the button it isn’t simon who answers, it’s an unknown Male voice. Bram tenses.   
‘Hello?’ The male voice says, and Abby steps forward to speak into the intercom.  
‘Hi, um does Simon Spier live in this block?’ She asks and they all hear the guy swear. He’s playing a video game.  
‘What? Oh yeh, simon lives here. Want me to buzz you up?’ He asks and she says yes. A few seconds later, the doors opening. When they reach Simons place, the guy who buzzed them up answers the door. He’s in sweatpants and no top, with headphones on and an Xbox controller in his hand. He looks them up and down.  
‘Sorry don’t think I’ve seen you here before, you’re Spiers mate?’ He asks and Bram glares.  
‘His names simon. And yes, we’re his friends.’ He snaps and the guy just raises his eyebrow.  
‘His rooms the 3rd On the right. I’d knock first though, dude hasn’t left his room in about 3 days.’ He says, before opening the door wider and going back to his game. They all crowd in and Leah has to keep a firm grip on Bram to stop him going back up to Simons roommate. Even though he’s an asshole. They reach Simons room and knock slightly. A muffled sound comes from the inside. They take it as an invitation to come in.   
Simons rooms a mess, which is normally no surprise, but this room looks like 4 bombs hit it. There’s a small desk in the corner, with bits of essays and scripts flung all over it, his backpacks lying half open across the desk chair, and books and pens are flowing on the floor. His Wardrobe is flung open and clothes are tossed everywhere. His laptop is lying on the floor, half open with the charger plugged in. There’s a fairly neat stack of vinyl discs on his dresser, but the rest of it is a mess. There’s a princess bubble gum figure lying in the middle of it, with empty crisp packets surrounding her, there’s several cute photo frames on there, with pictures of them all. There’s an especially cute one of him and Bram, faces smushed together, smiling at the camera. Bram vaguely remembers taking the photo, but he thinks they’re drunk in it. There’s a panic! At the disco poster hanging up, and directly next to it is a poster that says ‘human’ in the gay rainbow colours that makes Bram smile. When his eyes land on the bed though, his smile disappears. The duvet is half sliding off the bed, and Simons barely covered by a camo blanket that’s covered in Oreos. Simons hidden under a mound of pillows and cushions, in Brams hoodie that he stole, and a plain pair of sweat pants. He doesn’t lift his head when they enter.  
‘I don’t want anything to fucking eat Oliver. Stop fucking asking me’ He snaps and they all stay silent. Maybe his roommate isn’t as bad and they think. Bram moves closer to the bed and notices Simons got a pair of earphones jammed in his ears, and he peers at the playlist playing. All of Brams favourite songs. He chokes up slightly. When simon doesn’t hear his door shut, he lifts his head and blinks at the 4 people in his room. His hair is pushed back, greasy and damp, from sweat they don’t know. He’s not wearing his glasses, but they presume he’s got contacts in as his eyes widen when he sees them. His poor eyes are red rimmed and blood shot and his cheeks are bright red. There’s a faint mark of a hickey that Bram gave him a few weeks ago on his neck and Bram prays that no one else notices it.   
‘What’re you doing here?’ Simon asks, his voice is rough and scratchy, proof that he hasn’t used it in a while.   
‘To come see if your okay?’ Abby voices it like a question and Simon looks away.   
‘I’m fine, you can go now. I’ve got work to do.’ He goes to climb out of bed, but thinks better of it and just flops back on his pillows. Bram clears his throat.  
‘Your clearly not okay Si. And we haven’t just drove nearly 4 hours to just leave within 10 seconds. Talk to us babe, please’ Bram begs and Simon breaks. He starts sobbing into the jumper and Brams heart breaks, he’s by his side in seconds. Gathering simon up in his arms and allowing the boy to sob into his chest. The others stand quietly around the room, not quite knowing what to say. It takes ages for simon to calm down enough to talk, but they all wait patiently for him. Once he’s calmed down and his breathing is fairly regular, he clears his throat to talk.  
‘Sorry about the voicemail Leah..’ he starts, then looks away from them all. His eyes focus on his iPod screen that’s faded to black.  
‘It’s fine’ she says, leaning forward to him but he recoils.  
‘I didn’t mean to worry you..but I don’t really remember what I said. I was a little drunk when I recorded it and I don’t recall hitting send at all. Did I send it?’ He asks and she nods slightly, they all notice when Simons shoulders sag.   
‘Sorry..’ he mumbles and pulls away from Brams hold. Bram lets go of him.  
‘So..’ nick starts and simon looks at him strangely, like he’s forgotten he’s here.  
‘Your roommates pretty..cool’ He says and Bram almost laughs at the awkwardness, but then he looks at simon and can see the tear tracks on his cheeks, so he keeps his mouth shut.  
‘He’s okay’ simon mutters, pulling his camo blanket round him more. He pushes his hair back even more and rubs his face, Bram wants at ‘aw’ at the cuteness but refuses. They’re all silent for a few minutes, not knowing how to voice their concern, when Simons phone buzzes to life. It’s on charge, next to the bed and the minute it’s on Simons lock screen, it begins beeping. Messages, calls and voicemails flood in. Bram notices that a lot are from them, but there’s a couple from his parents and lots from someone called Laura. Simon Sighs when he sees Bram looking.  
‘My phone was broken’ he says and Bram looks up at him.  
‘Got smashed on campus, the screen went black and I could barely send you a message. A...friend knew someone who could fix it for me, only came back yesterday. Didn’t have time to tell you.’ He says and Bram can’t help but notice the way he shifts uncomfortably when he says ‘friend’ .  
‘Friend?’ He says softly and Simon nods.  
‘Yeh friend. Well. No. Not really a friend. More of an acquaintance? A friend of a friend? I don’t know. But he fixed it pretty good and I haven’t had time to tell you.’ Brams never heard Simon stumble over his words like this and it worries him, still he can’t help feeling jealous that simon spoke to Leah before him.  
‘You sent Leah a voicemail’ he points out and Simon tenses.  
‘Yeh..’ he mumbles and Bram instantly wishes he could take his words back. Simon looks so broken.   
‘Simon?’   
They’re suddenly interrupted by Simons roommate cracking the door open.   
‘Hey spier, my mates are coming round in a-bit. Wanna join us?’ He asks. Bram notices the food in his hand, just pot noodles and he wonders if it’s for simon. He wonders correctly.  
‘No, it’s fine. You have fun’ Simon says (hehe)   
‘C’mon man. You haven’t left your bed in days. At least come get something to eat?’ He waves the pot noodle around but Simon doesn’t look at it.  
‘I’m fine. I’m not hungry’ as if on cue his stomach rumbles, but Simon coughs slightly, trying to conceal it.  
‘Dude if you don’t eat your gonna waste away. Look at you already’ his roommate darts across the room and takes Simons small wrist in his hand and encircles it with his ring finger and thumb. Bram tenses again while everyone else looks on sadly.  
‘I’m fine’ Simon stresses but his roommate doesn’t stop.  
‘If your not out of bed by the end of the week I’ll dragging your ass out of it and to the councillors office. You never returned her call the other day.’ With that, his roommate exits, but not before sending a quick ‘sorry’ look in everyone’s direction.   
‘Right, that’s it. Simon get out of bed’ Abby jumps up and pulls at his wrist, but Simon sags even further into his bed.   
‘No, you can’t make me’ He snaps but Abby isn’t fazed.  
‘Actually Simon, we all could. I hate to admit it but your roommate was right, your so thin that any one of us could lift you out of bed. But I don’t want to do that and I’m sure no one else wants to either.’ Abby yanks on his arm again, but Simon breaks free and buries himself under the covers more. He’s breathing heavily.   
‘Hey hey.’ Bram says, gently standing next to Abby and pulling on her wrist slightly.  
‘Why don’t you guys go and run to the Uni shop and go grab us some food for the ride home and something for Simon. I’ll deal with him’ he says and none of them want to leave, but clearly the only way Simon is getting out of bed is with force, and none of them want to do that. They all sigh and start leaving the room, but Leah tells Bram to make sure his phones on loud in case they call him.  
Once everyone’s left, Simon pokes his head out from under the covers and locks eyes with Bram.  
‘I’m fine’ he says but Bram just raises his eyebrows.  
‘C’mon babe, get up. I’ll run you a shower.’ He moves out the room, checking the door next to Simons and finding a large bathroom. He notices Simons toothbrush and shaver on the sink (though simon rarely ever shaves) and the mouthwash he says tastes good. He turned the shower on and saw his shower gel in a small basket in the corner, the same one simon stole from him last time he went to visit him. Brams heart swells. Once the showers warmed up he goes to Simons room and is surprised to see Simon sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at the door. He smiles at him slightly, a small, shy smile.   
Bram reaches out and gently takes Simons hand, before pulling him to his feet and leading him to the bathroom. He carefully undressed Simon (simon could do it himself but hey, Bram wouldn’t miss the opportunity to undress his boyfriend ;)) and then let him step into the shower. While Simon was showering, he cleaned his room up a-bit, putting clothes back in his wardrobe and binning crisp packets, he didn’t touch his desk, knowing full well that simon would have a fit if he touched it. Once he was finished, he pulled Simons duvet back and shook it out, letting all the crumbs fall to the floor, before he smoothed it out and put it back on the bed. He unplugged his laptop and placed it on the bed, before putting his iPod on his desk and sitting on the edge of the bed. Simon came in a short while later. He was dressed in nothing but a towel and Bram stared. Even with pale skin and bones slightly Visible, he still looked gorgeous.   
‘Stop staring..’ simon muttered and Bram blushed.  
‘Can’t help it babe, your gorgeous’ Bram says, standing up to wrap his arms around Simons waist. He snuggles into him.  
Once Simons was dressed they ended up on Simons bed, simon laying on Brams chest, listening to his steady heartbeat.  
‘Can you tell me what’s been going on?’ Bram says softly, making Simon tense and hide his face.   
‘I don’t..’ simon pauses and takes a deep breathe in.   
‘I don’t know’ he says simply, his face crumpling.   
‘Hey hey, don’t cry it’s okay’ Bram tries to soothe him by threading his fingers through his hair, but Simon doesn’t calm down.  
‘It’s just.. I feel so fucking shit all the time and nothing can take my mind off it. Like, there’s a massive weight on my chest that I can’t get rid of. Or a stone in my throat that I can’t swallow. And it fucking sucks because I have a good life. I’m in a university that fucking gorgeous and I’m doing something that I love. I’ve got a cool roommate and a nice dorm. Everyone’s really friendly. And everyone supports me. No one cares that I’m gay and you’ve no idea how fucking thankful for that. And you guys. Your all so amazing and... and I love you all so much but I can’t help feeling so alone all the time. All you guys live practically round the corner from each-other while I’m a 4 hour drive away or whatever. And you all love me so much and I Just appreciate it a lot but I don’t.. I don’t know. I don’t know why I feel like this and it fucking sucks ass. I don’t want to feel like this. Why me? I don’t have anything to be sad about. I’ve got a good life, a good family, good grades, a fucking amazing boyfriend. What else can I want?’ He's sobbing by the end of it and Brams at a loss, he’s no idea what to do but he never wants to hear simon cry like this again. So he does his best. He scoops him up into his arms and lets him cry it all out, until he’s gasping for air.   
‘It’s okay’ Bram murmurs, rubbing Simons back.   
‘No it’s not’ Simon snaps but Bram ignores it, even though he’s slightly hurt.   
‘It is. Or it will be. Because you’ve got me by your side and I’ll never leave you simon. Ever. I promise you that okay? But you need to promise me things too. I need you to promise that you’ll talk to me if you ever feel like this again okay? Even if I’m busy or in a lecture, I’ll drop it for you okay?’ Bram says.  
‘I don’t want you to throw your life away for me.’ Simon mutters, hoping Bram doesn’t hear, but he’s got sharp hearing.  
‘No, okay? I’m not giving anything up at all. You’re my life simon. As cheesy as that is. Your my whole life. Your the most important thing to me and it hurts me so much that you’ve been hurting like this for so long, and no one knew.’ Simon nods and cuddles closer to Bram, trying to steal his heat.  
‘Now c’mon. While we wait for the others, why don’t we watch a film?’ Bram suggests and Simon nods against his chest.  
Maybe they’ll be okay. Maybe Simon can survive this storm, as long as Bram is next to him, holding his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> So this wasn’t the original fic I was going to upload today, but I ended up finishing this one before the other one, so here you go!! I might expand on this in the future, would you guys like that? If you have any suggestions for fics I would love to hear them!!  
> My next fic will be uploaded Friday!! :)


End file.
